Terrified.

Today is just one of those days. A day where I feel terrified. I am back “home” now. Well I am back at school in the US. 

I was not excited to be coming home, and even less excited to be coming to back to school.

Depression was my first reaction,

Then obsession with planning to escape back to those far away places.

The more I retreated into my obsession with being anywhere else, the more people told me I needed to just enjoy the time here and now.

Fair argument. After all now is part of my life that I don’t want to completely ignore.

So I decided to fake it until I made it.

But against all odds, I faked it too well. And I am starting to get comfortable here. Don’t get me wrong, the itch to travel is still painfully present.

But I am losing my perspective, my drive, my passion for the world and understanding more than everyone else. I am losing my ability to forget about chasing the life I am “supposed to have” for the life I want. I am allowing the possibility of taking the “easy” way out and just giving into the life society is pushing me towards. Of forgetting the risks and craziness of the pleasure of travel, and picking the path everyone else is simply sliding into. Of going with the current pulling me down, instead of fighting it to do what really means the world to me.

I care way too much about my grades, and sacrificing my happiness for that.

 All I can think about is how need to compete with people here at my Uni- Compete for what? That upcoming job market..?

 I spend too much time worried about making money (to finance my travels) but also because money makes the world go ‘round. 

I’ve been itching to spend that money again on material crap. I just bought a new iphone?!?! Why? Because I wanted one. I almost bought myself an ipad. It seriously repulses me.  I am sinking back into a materialistic lifestyle.

I have been feeling the pressure for grad school again and updating my resume for more jobs, internships, and static careers of the future per my dad’s wishes despite the fact that its not what would really make me happy.

I have been spending way too much time on my appearance. I online shop and want heaps of new clothes. I used to want plane tickets….

I have been getting settled. I have made some new friends this year, and gotten into a very clean weekly routine. It is comfortable. I am seeing a very nice guy, and having a good time with him.

But this is all wrong. Society is taking back everything I have fought against. Am I complaining that I am happy right now?

No.  I’m just scared.

As scary as it is: this is a possible life for me. Terrifying.

But yet, this is a life I could choose to live.

            If I gave up, if I gave in to societal pressures, if I let my dreams go unfulfilled.

When I left I knew I didn’t want this life- it became so startlingly apparent to me it was painful. I wanted new people; I wanted to not care about appearances, or material things. I didn’t want to chase the corporate ladder, and do what I “had to” instead of what I wanted with my life. I needed spontaneity, new people, and freedom. I didn’t want to be trapped. I have so much more potential than that. I had so much more perspective.

So today I sit here terrified. Because on some level I am getting attached here to this dull, mundane routine, easy lifestyle. I am making connections that are going to hurt to break. And I am seeing a glimpse of the fact that this life could convince me to give up on all my dreams.

I am terrified of getting stuck.

Of letting myself get stuck.

I want to think of being here as a stop-over. I want to have no regrets of leaving for as long as I can.  I want my traveler friends. I want people who understand my underlying burning desire. And I want to run- and run for the hills. That’s why I travel well. Because I hate to put down roots.

I want more than anything for it to be 3 months from now so I can run again, and reignite the fire that makes me WANT to be alive- that keeps me from giving up on this life I want to have.

I want to protect myself. I want to protect my desire to avoid this life that in my heart I have NO interest in.

Being home is the most painful thing I could experience. But I will fight to maintain my true desires. I want to pick the life I think of as success and fulfilling, not what society or other people define as success and the life I should lead. 

While everyone around me here at school talks about what they want to do when they graduate: to be successful, rich, high in the corporate ladder, typical, materialistic, sheltered, uncultured,….

I want to talk about no goal other than: be nothing but happy.

That’s all I want when I grow up.

And I am going to fight tooth and nail not to let myself forget it.

That makes me ever so slightly less terrified. 

Travel Free,

xx Lexi